mercredi 23 août 2017
The Challenges of Working With People Without Children
I have friends; I know it's hard to believe that I even have time for such things, but I do. I have working mom friends, who are going through roughly the same experience as me drudging it out daily on the grind.
We are the 20/30-somethings with kids, babies, teens, whatever, who get up each day and put in our 40 hours a week. I work in a male-dominated field, and a lot of my coworkers are of the Baby Boomer generation, far removed from the diapers and runny noses of my present situation.
When did they forget?
I mean, they were once in my shoes, they had these little humans who relied on them for all of their needs; when did they forget that struggle? My generation is fully knee-deep in the crap that is parenthood. We breathe sick days and family vacations and parent-teacher meetings and doctors' appointments and sleepless nights, and I can't even imagine a day when I will forget what it's like to be where I am today!
How did they lose their way?
Do they not remember what it is like to be so terrified that your little one needs to be rushed to the hospital? The air literally sucked out of you, the pain you feel looking in their little eyes while they cry for you to make them better? That will never leave me, so how did they forget? I know they have forgotten because while I sit in the hospital room I get emails asking about the meeting I have that day - "It's important, will you make it?" Such questions would never come from someone who remembered the total turmoil I was sitting in at that very moment. The added stress is almost too much, and I feel like crying!
"No, I won't make it," I respond, thinking I might never make it in again, you insensitive piece of work. What kind of question is that? I know they have children, I've heard them talk about them, they are all grown adults now moved away, making a life on their own. So what's the deal? Because I've had about enough of this guilt-inducing mental warfare that they are playing.
I have thought about this a lot, every single working mom friend of mind knows this feeling - so do those without children or with grown children just not understand? Why do they feel the need to make us feel bad about being there for our children? Is work-life balance a foreign concept to them? To be honest, I don't know for sure, but my thoughts are that we are just from a completely different generation.
A lot of Baby Boomers had stay-at-home wives; they never had to miss work to stay home with a sick child or to go to an appointment. It just wasn't how things were done. Their entire life was about bringing home the bacon, climbing the corporate ladder, paying off the mortgage as quickly as possible; their entire value system depended on their ability to provide for their family. On the other hand, you would think that women from that generation would be sympathetic to my plight, but surprisingly they are not. Now in the workforce as all their little birdies have left the nest, some believe that if it's that "hard" to work with children, I should just stay home until they are all in school! I didn't realize that taking a day off due to a child's illness was "too hard" - I thought it was OK to have normal family issues.
I used to work in a job that had me travel a week a month back when I had only two boys, so it was more manageable, but it was still a huge strain on my sanity. I remember talking on the phone to my mother-in-law, who was watching my little one, and he was sick and crying for his mommy. I died a little inside that day and vowed that I would find a job that didn't require me to be away so much. The guilt I felt that day was life-changing.
For working moms, being away from home is especially hard - who do your little ones ask for when they are sick? Mommy, of course. A sick, crying baby asking for you is like mom kryptonite. I don't need help feeling guilty when my kids are sick, I can do that all on my own; so why do I get the feeling that they think I'm not as committed to my job as they are just because I was off with a sick child twice last month? During flu season, I might add!
We need to support each other - create a new working culture where it's OK to be the mom and the coworker at the same time.
I'm proud to say that our generation values a different type of system. We value a balance between home and work; we don't judge our performance by how many hours we spend in the office. Smarter, not harder, I say! We need to stick together, we need to support each other - create a new working culture where it's OK to be the mom and the coworker at the same time. We should take this opportunity to be understanding and not give side-eye when Wendy misses a meeting because her son broke his arm at school. I mean, come on!
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "It's not everyone who's like this" - of course I know this. I've had numerous coworkers who have been nothing but supportive, so this rant isn't about them. To them I say thank you, thank you for being the shining light, the one who comes into my office and says we can have the meeting tomorrow, "Just go home to your kids!" They are the reason I know this culture can change.
I don't think we can easily fix the current situation - I think we are just going to have to work at it - but that doesn't mean we have to buy into what they are selling. I get it, I see and hear how they talk when I get a call from the school to come get my sick kid, but now I don't care. I don't care what they say, or how they look at me, all I think is, "How did you lose your way?"
I'm a good mom and a good worker; I can be both at the same time while taking a day here and there to be with my babies wiping their tears and noses. These are not mutually exclusive ideas, I know it's hard to ignore. Every now and then I remind my older male coworkers what it's like, I remind them that all of that stuff their partners do for them at home each day are things I still get to go home and do for my family. The laundry, the groceries, the homework, the baths, dinner - all before getting my solid five hours of sleep a night. I'm surprised I'm not dead some days, so I say this:
I hereby promise to never forget what it's like to be in the bowels of motherhood (parenthood), to never judge a mom for being at the hospital with her child instead of in a meeting about what kind of paper we should order for the printer this month. I will never give a mom side-eye or email her while she's off sick with her baby about a report she was supposed to send me that day. But I WILL be here for all my working mommy friends to hear their cries, to remind them that it's OK to be with their babies, it's OK to wipe their tears and take a nap with them when they are sick. It's just OK to be a mom. I promise to never forget.
We didn't sign away our mommy duties when we went back to work, so if they want us, they take us for who we are: moms.
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