vendredi 10 février 2017
7 Things You Never Thought You'd Do . . . Until You Had Kids
Before I had kids, I was sure I knew what having kids would look like. I pictured tucking them in at night, kissing them sweetly on their foreheads, snuggling over stories, tickling and laughing, enjoying family meal time, and taking walks hand in hand. Sure, they'd cry sometimes, but I would patiently soothe them like the wonderful mother I just knew I'd be.
Let's pause for a moment to get the laughter out of our systems, shall we? Because I'm pretty sure you know what happened to all of those maternal fantasies once I actually gave birth to offspring. When the reality of being responsible for another human being sets in, so does real-life parenting - which can differ wildly from your pre-kid illusions. You find yourself doing things that you never in a million years would have dreamed of doing before. Things you would have laughed at the mere thought of.
Things like:
- Sniffing someone else's butt. The phrase, "Did you poop?" will come out of your mouth numerous times during early parenthood, which in itself is depressing. But then comes the inevitable follow-up: confirming the dump via direct inhale. What else are you gonna do, though - stick your finger in to check? Sniffing is, unfortunately, the lesser of two evils.
- Picking someone else's nose. Speaking of sticking your finger in, there will come a time when you're forced to remove a booger for someone who isn't able to do it unassisted. Not only will you be picking someone else's nose, but you'll be restraining that person as they struggle against your efforts. Lucky you!
- Eating someone's table scraps. Cold chicken nuggets, bitten sandwich halves - this is the stuff of a mom's diet (and much of the reason behind that extra 10 or 15 pounds parenthood makes you gain). Thought you'd never be hunched over another person's plate, scarfing down their discarded dinner? Think again, my friend. Think again.
- Spending all your money on someone else. Before kids, you probably had a little something called "expendable income." Sure, you may have sprung for a few drinks with your bestie or picked up the tab at dinner - but by and large, that money was yours alone. And if you spent most of it on, say, a freeloading boyfriend, your friends would quickly provide you with a harsh reality check. Post kids, though, you're out here spending the bulk of your money on another person, rocking clearance-rack fashion while they're running around in stylish clothes they don't even appreciate.
- Cleaning up someone else's bodily fluids. People with no kids are responsible for the excrement of exactly one person: themselves. (And naively unaware of just how wonderful that is.) Then you become a parent, and you find yourself choking back sobs while you pick chunks of half-digested macaroni out of your carpet at 3 a.m.
- Being concerned about someone else's toilet habits. While we're on the subject of excrement, consider this: did you ever think, as a young, idealistic nonparent, that you'd actually be worried that someone else is a) not pooping enough or b) pooping too much or c) pooping out the wrong color/consistency/smell? Or that a tiny turd that finally landed in the potty chair could literally make you giddy? Probably not; yet, here you are.
- Considering 7 a.m. "sleeping in." Remember when you had to wake up at 7 o'clock and thought it was brutally early? Remember when "sleeping in" meant it was damn near lunchtime when you finally rolled out of bed? Remember when nobody woke you up by crying or prying your eyelids open or simply standing creepily by the bedside like a heart attack waiting to happen? When you're a parent, waking after the sun feels like you've won the lottery.
Yes, there's nothing like parenthood to lead you into territory where you never thought you'd tread. But possibly the strangest "I-swore-I'd-never-do-that" thing? Doing every single one of those weird, disgusting, demeaning tasks . . . and not being able to imagine your life any other way. Because those labors of grossness are actually labors of love - and that might just be the most surprising thing of all.
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