vendredi 17 mars 2017
How Is It That I Gave Birth 9 Years Ago and My Baby Is Already Halfway to Freedom?
"Momma, how many days is it until my birthday?"
"Nine."
"Oh good, I CAN'T wait!"
Oh, my pretty girl, I can.
That's what I thought when she said it. Because, in nine days, she'll be 9 years old. And that simple question threw me back to that day almost 9 years ago. I was walking out of my local Starbucks to pick up my one cup of coffee for the day and I was exchanging pleasantries with a former classmate when I took two steps and had the most embarrassing moment of my life. "Oh my God, I think I peed my pants."
You want to know how awkward it is to stand in the Starbucks parking lot thinking you've peed your pants? I called my mother to share my embarrassment and she wisely said: "I don't think that's what happened." So, I went to work and called the doctor. He told me to come in immediately and the one person willing to take the time to drive me was pregnant herself. So there we were, two big ol' pregnant girls driving to the doctor.
When we arrived, my doctor himself appeared. The person I was entrusting with my life and my baby's. As we went back to the room, he looked at me and said: "Looks like we're having a baby today." My response was immediate and, if you know me well, expected: "Oh no, I can't do that today. I'm not ready."
He laughed. "You're having a baby TODAY. There's no time to wait." But I wanted to wait. I wasn't ready. Her room wasn't finished. She wasn't due for three weeks. I wanted to wait so I would be ready. I wanted to wait even more today at the realization that she will be 9 years old in nine days. I want to wait. She's one year away from double digits. Even further, she's nine years away from leaving me.
In nine years, she'll be 18 years old. She'll be prepping for college. She'll be prepping to leave me. It couldn't have happened this fast. It can't be that it's only been nine years since I wasn't ready for her to be here and nine years from when she will leave me. Today, I can wait.
Because now it's over. The first half of her dedicated life to me is almost over and I don't know how to handle that. The only way is to wait and see. I can wait for that day nine years from now. I can wait for that day when she's says she hates me and means it. I can wait for that day when she says she wants out and means it. I can wait for that day that I will lose her.
I can wait for that day, patiently and awkwardly, but just like the day she arrived, that day will come.
The thing that isn't in the parenting handbook is that you'll be waiting for this person your whole life. You'll wait and wish they were older when they're young and you're exhausted, and the second they are, you'll hope that it doesn't go by too fast. And then you'll wait to be there when everything falls apart. And wait to be there when it falls together. You'll wait, always, for the moment they need you. And you'll wait to watch them conquer the world. Because you know they will.
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