mercredi 2 août 2017

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42 Things That Bran Could've Talked to Sansa About Instead of . . . That

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The following contains spoilers for Game of Thrones season seven.

One of the most anticipated reunions on Game of Thrones finally came to fruition in season seven's third episode. However, the special moment between Sansa Stark and her long-lost brother, Bran, quickly soured in viewers' eyes for several reasons, not the least of which was the way Bran behaves upon finally seeing Sansa for the first time in years. Suddenly taking on an affectation of blankness that he hasn't displayed at all thus far, Bran can't even be bother to return Sansa's emotional embrace.

You know . . . this whole "emotionless robot" situation.

Anyway, the most bizarre part about the Stark siblings' reunion at Winterfell is their conversation beneath the family weirwood tree. Presumably in an effort to prove his greenseer powers to Sansa, unfeeling drone Bran decides to describe a memorable evening that he was not present for. Specifically, the most traumatic night of Sansa's life, when she is married to and subsequently raped by the sadistic Ramsay Bolton.

Bran could choose any memory to prove his abilities, but intentionally focuses on Sansa's most traumatic life experience.

Aside from the creepy factor of Bran implicitly letting Sansa know that he has "watched" her while she is repeatedly sexually abused, he adds another unsettling element by blankly complimenting how beautiful his sister looked on her wedding night. Not to mention the unnecessary cruelty of reopening the wounds inflicted by the Boltons, which Sansa is just beginning to put behind her. Bran could choose any memory to prove his abilities - their crazy aunt Lysa Arryn getting pushed out the "Moon Door" at the Eyrie, how Joffrey looked when he was dying, or one of Sansa's conversations with Littlefinger - but intentionally focuses on her most traumatic life experience.

We've taken the liberty of choosing several things that Bran could have - and SHOULD have - spoken to Sansa about instead. Hopefully by the time Arya returns to Winterfell, he'll have gained back some of his social skills and takes a hint from this list.

42 Things Bran SHOULD Have Talked to Sansa About

  1. "Hey! Did you realize that Jon is actually our cousin and that mom treated him like garbage for no reason?"
  2. "Yeah, long story, but Dad isn't actually his dad."
  3. "Aunt Lyanna is his mom, and it turns out that he's actually Rhaegar Targaryen's son!"
  4. "So that blonde wannabe queen that he's talking to right now is actually his aunt. Crazy, right?"
  5. "PS, you could cut the sexual tension in the throne room at Dragonstone with a knife right now. Still not as weird as Jaime and Cersei, though."
  6. "Jaime is the one who pushed me out of that tower, by the way. It's because I caught him boning his twin sister."
  7. "Returning to the topic of Mom, want to hear about how she literally grabbed a knife with her bare hands when somebody sent an assassin to kill me back when I was comatose?"
  8. "Oh yeah, SOMEONE SENT AN ASSASSIN TO KILL ME."
  9. "By the way, there's this cool thing that Arya does now where she literally slices the faces off of dead people and wears them as masks."
  10. "She's alive, BTW, and she's like two days away."
  11. "Just a warning, if you call her Arya, she might have a cryptic response like 'a girl has no name' or something. It's a long story."
  12. "Oh, and her direwolf is alive and in the Riverlands right now!"
  13. "Speaking of direwolves, you know what happened to Summer? RIP, old friend."
  14. "And you don't even want to hear about what they did to Robb's wolf."
  15. "It's OK though, Arya toooooootally f*cked up the people responsible for that. Her revenge for the Red Wedding was sick, dude."
  16. "She legit fed Walder Frey his own kids in pie form."
  17. ". . . Do you think we need a family therapist?"
  18. "On the topic of therapy, you should stop talking to Littlefinger. He's straight-up the reason that dad's dead right now."
  19. "Oh my god, alsooooo . . . Dad didn't defeat Ser Arthur Dayne at the Tower of Joy. Meera's dad came up behind him and stabbed his neck; it was gnarly."
  20. "Meera used to have a brother, by the way. I watched that dude die Beyond the Wall."
  21. "You know who else I watched die? Hodor."
  22. "About that whole Hodor thing, by the way . . . totally my bad, I definitely screwed with his brain."
  23. "On the bright side, I learned that I can control people's bodies with my warg powers."
  24. "I could also transition my consciousness to Summer, which was tight. I make a good wolf, big sis."
  25. "Long story short, 'Hodor' is Hodor-speak for 'hold the door.' Again, totally my bad."
  26. "Holy crap, I just remembered! Have you heard from Uncle Benjen lately?"
  27. " . . . cuz I have, and he's like, super dead. But also alive. Ya know what? It's complicated."
  28. "So about this whole Great War thing - we need to make it our priority."
  29. "I've seen you and Jon arguing about it in front of the entire audience chamber, and guys . . . not a good look. Next time, hash it out in private!"
  30. "But seriously, the Night's King is on his way, and since he's already touched me he will probably be here sooner than we all think."
  31. "Also, in case you've been wondering about how Theon is faring - and seriously, screw that guy for how he treated me and Rickon - he's gone off the deep end. Literally."
  32. "He and his sister were on this boat fighting for Jon's aunt Daenerys, and he just flipped a switch and jumped overboard."
  33. "It was pretty scary and sad, but also . . . f*ck that guy. He pretended to burn me and Rickon alive."
  34. "Glad he helped you escape that sadistic bastard Ramsay, though. Guess I'll give him props for that."
  35. "Sorry about everything that happened to you, but that's as far as I'm going to go with this topic of conversation."
  36. "Oh, about Rickon - whatever happened to him? I forgot to check in on him during my many mental voyages across time and space, because I (like everyone else) kinda just forgot he existed."
  37. "Ohhhhhh, he died? That's . . . unfortunate."
  38. "Welp, anyway! Do you mind having the staff move all of my stuff into this tree?"
  39. "Oh yeah, no need to prepare chambers for me. I'm gonna be living here."
  40. " . . . among the roots, duh sis. I'm the Three-Eyed Raven now, which means I basically have to plug my brain into this tree Avatar-style."
  41. "Ugh, I knew I shouldn't have mentioned this. Can you just send me another manservant to carry me around and do my bidding? I accidentally got the last one torn apart by frozen zombies."
  42. "Thanks, sis. See you at dinner!"


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