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Trump, Game of Thrones, and Oprah: 17 of Stephen Colbert's Best Emmys Jokes

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Image Source: Getty / Lester Cohen

Stephen Colbert had the illustrious duty of hosting the Emmys on Sunday night, and for the most part, the big show went off without a hitch (with the exception of one glaring misstep involving Sean Spicer). The Late Show emcee got the ball rolling from minute one, performing an opening monologue full of political barbs. The hilarious hits just kept coming from there, so take a look at Colbert's most crowd-pleasing jokes throughout the night.

  1. On celebrity award show diets: "Can you feel it? This room is crackling with the collective energy of people who, for the past 48 hours, have consumed nothing but distilled water and Crest Whitestrips."
  2. On outstanding television movie nominee The Wizard of Lies: "It's the Sean Spicer story."
  3. On a noticeably missing cast: "If you do win, don't forget to thank everyone who helped you get up here. Namely, Game of Thrones for not being eligible."
  4. On Ted Cruz's Twitter habits: "These days, everybody loves streaming video - just ask Ted Cruz. But knock first. You don't just want to walk in."
  5. On the HBO hack: "I'm sure HBO will take home a lot of Emmys tonight, which they'll have to melt down to pay for next year's hacker ransom. Too soon?"
  6. On Bill Maher: "This has been a great year for diversity in television . . . there are so many talented African-American nominees - Jeffrey Wright, Viola Davis, Samira Wiley, Uzo Aduba, Anthony Anderson from ABC's Black-ish, and of course, Bill Maher. I assumed he's black since he's so comfortable using the n-word."
  1. On Hollywood's favorite prayer: "Lord, thank you for giving us talent and beauty and the gaping hole inside each of us that craves love and will never be filled. Amen."
  2. On Donald Trump never winning an Emmy: "We all know that the Emmys mean a lot to Donald Trump because he was nominated multiple times for Celebrity Apprentice, but he never won. Why didn't you give him an Emmy? I'll tell you this, if he had won an Emmy, I bet he wouldn't have run for president. So this is all your fault. I thought you people love morally compromised antiheroes. You like Walter White - he's just Walter Much Whiter."
  3. On why Donald Trump has never won an Emmy: "Unlike the presidency, Emmys go to the winner of the popular vote."
  4. On Oprah Winfrey's Emmy snub: "Oprah is in the front row right now. Oprah was snubbed this year. What is wrong with you people? What in the immortal life of Henrietta Lacks is wrong with you people? I'm so sorry, Oprah. I was really hoping this would be your breakout year."
  5. On his and Jimmy Kimmel's loss to Last Week Tonight With John Oliver: "It's a dry, British cocktail," Kimmel said, before Colbert quipped, "Yes, it's really good. It's so high quality, apparently they can only make one a week."
  1. On Trump's TV habit: "There were over 450 original scripted shows made this year. Of course, there is no way anyone could possibly watch that much TV . . . other than the president, who seems to have a lot of time for that sort of thing. Hello, sir, thank you for joining us."
  2. On how Trump affected the Emmys: "You can't deny that every show was influenced by Donald Trump in some way. All the late-night shows, obviously. House of Cards, the new season of American Horror Story. And, of course, next year's Latin Grammys, hosted by Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Muy caliente."
  3. On the dismal Summer box office: "I think that there are more movie stars here tonight than there were people who saw movies this Summer."
  4. On CBS's Fall TV honor: "This season, CBS will have twice as many Sheldons as any other network in history."
  5. His goodbye to Sean Spicer: "Melissa McCarthy, everybody!"
  6. On the only postshow recap you'll ever need: "Stick around for Talking Emmys, a three-hour postshow discussion of what you just saw with Chris Hardwick and Andy Cohen."


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