mardi 30 mai 2017

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21 Very Real Thoughts I Had While Watching The Bachelorette For the First Time

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After years of resisting everyone's favorite guilty pleasure, I finally caved last night. At long last, I joined modern civilization and watched my very first episode of The Bachelorette. Armed with a very loose knowledge of the show's premise and a sh*t ton of wine, I tuned in for the second episode of Rachel Lindsay's quest for TV love to see what all the hype was about. Two hours' worth of brand-sponsored dates later, I can honestly say that I get it now! I get why people are so obsessed with this show. There are cheesy rose offerings; there are terrible tag lines; there is extremely mediocre poetry. Honestly, what more could one possibly want from mind-numbing TV? I'm into it.

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Below are all of my extremely deep and very important thoughts from my first foray into Bachelor Nation. Let's discuss!

  1. 11/10, would watch a show about her dog, Copper, finding his one true love. Is this what this show is going to be about? Because if so, I'm already sold.
  2. These guys are just sitting around as a group discussing how great Rachel smells. This is apparently supernormal behavior and not at all concerning in the Bachelor-show universe. Noted.
  3. Everyone tries way too hard to leave an impression on Rachel with their hugs. These hugs are all way too intense.
  4. Mila Kunis, is that you? What are you doing here? BLINK TWICE IF ASHTON MADE YOU DO THIS.
  5. Are we supposed to believe that the guy with the "aspiring drummer" job title actually has health insurance . . . ?
  6. Would not allow Lucas within a 10-mile radius of my person.
  7. Producers have to be forcing Rachel to keep Lucas around, right?
  8. Peter's hot. And bonus: Peter seems normal! Why can't she just pick Peter and call it a day?
  9. Someone just said this sentence out loud in complete seriousness: "He's here to promote Whaboom, he's not here to love Rachel." I now understand why this show is a national treasure.
  10. Kenny's so normal. Why is Kenny here? Does Kenny know he doesn't have to do this?
  1. Somehow Rachel already knows that Peter has a "beautiful soul" after sitting with him in a dog pool for 10 minutes, tops. This show is nothing if not efficient.
  2. Peter and Rachel are also really bonding over their shared dental history. Should I have been leaning into my teeth-grinding issues more when I was single?
  3. Is she on the verge of crying because Peter went to a therapist and she has also been to a therapist? Am I wrong for thinking that this is actually not that crazy of a coincidence . . . ?
  4. And now Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is here. Sure, why not. Welcome, Kareem.
  5. He should be Rachel's life coach. Can he be my life coach?
  6. Are we sure that all of these guys have actually seen a basketball IRL before this group date? They're truly terrible at this game.
  7. Of course the guy who said "the basketball gods" blessed him also already has a girlfriend. This makes total sense. Bye, Demario.
  8. The microphones must be physically taped inside of these people's mouths. Each kiss is louder than the last extremely loud kiss.
  9. Josiah is hot. He can kiss loudly, that's fine.
  10. Demario's back and wearing a FULL SUIT just to talk to Rachel "one last time." They've known each other for, like, maybe a week, right? It takes people in the Bachelor universe roughly 10 seconds to form life-altering connections.
  11. Watching this episode consumed two full hours of my life. Totally worth it.


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