mardi 30 mai 2017
21 Very Real Thoughts I Had While Watching The Bachelorette For the First Time
After years of resisting everyone's favorite guilty pleasure, I finally caved last night. At long last, I joined modern civilization and watched my very first episode of The Bachelorette. Armed with a very loose knowledge of the show's premise and a sh*t ton of wine, I tuned in for the second episode of Rachel Lindsay's quest for TV love to see what all the hype was about. Two hours' worth of brand-sponsored dates later, I can honestly say that I get it now! I get why people are so obsessed with this show. There are cheesy rose offerings; there are terrible tag lines; there is extremely mediocre poetry. Honestly, what more could one possibly want from mind-numbing TV? I'm into it.
Below are all of my extremely deep and very important thoughts from my first foray into Bachelor Nation. Let's discuss!
- 11/10, would watch a show about her dog, Copper, finding his one true love. Is this what this show is going to be about? Because if so, I'm already sold.
- These guys are just sitting around as a group discussing how great Rachel smells. This is apparently supernormal behavior and not at all concerning in the Bachelor-show universe. Noted.
- Everyone tries way too hard to leave an impression on Rachel with their hugs. These hugs are all way too intense.
- Mila Kunis, is that you? What are you doing here? BLINK TWICE IF ASHTON MADE YOU DO THIS.
- Are we supposed to believe that the guy with the "aspiring drummer" job title actually has health insurance . . . ?
- Would not allow Lucas within a 10-mile radius of my person.
- Producers have to be forcing Rachel to keep Lucas around, right?
- Peter's hot. And bonus: Peter seems normal! Why can't she just pick Peter and call it a day?
- Someone just said this sentence out loud in complete seriousness: "He's here to promote Whaboom, he's not here to love Rachel." I now understand why this show is a national treasure.
- Kenny's so normal. Why is Kenny here? Does Kenny know he doesn't have to do this?
- Somehow Rachel already knows that Peter has a "beautiful soul" after sitting with him in a dog pool for 10 minutes, tops. This show is nothing if not efficient.
- Peter and Rachel are also really bonding over their shared dental history. Should I have been leaning into my teeth-grinding issues more when I was single?
- Is she on the verge of crying because Peter went to a therapist and she has also been to a therapist? Am I wrong for thinking that this is actually not that crazy of a coincidence . . . ?
- And now Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is here. Sure, why not. Welcome, Kareem.
- He should be Rachel's life coach. Can he be my life coach?
- Are we sure that all of these guys have actually seen a basketball IRL before this group date? They're truly terrible at this game.
- Of course the guy who said "the basketball gods" blessed him also already has a girlfriend. This makes total sense. Bye, Demario.
- The microphones must be physically taped inside of these people's mouths. Each kiss is louder than the last extremely loud kiss.
- Josiah is hot. He can kiss loudly, that's fine.
- Demario's back and wearing a FULL SUIT just to talk to Rachel "one last time." They've known each other for, like, maybe a week, right? It takes people in the Bachelor universe roughly 10 seconds to form life-altering connections.
- Watching this episode consumed two full hours of my life. Totally worth it.
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