mardi 13 juin 2017
Hey, Kids: Find Something to Do Besides Snack When You're Bored
I get it, my darling offspring: you're hungry. How do I know you're hungry? Because you were just whining about it five minutes ago when you were digging through the fridge for the umpteenth time today. And you're going to be hungry again in another five minutes, when you'll ransack the pantry like a band of pillaging pirates. It's like somebody said, "HEY, KIDS! SEE HOW FAST YOU CAN EAT UP A BAZILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF GROCERIES!"
Only nobody actually said that, so stop.
If you were to snatch up a dictionary (that's what we used back in my day - google it) and look up the meaning of the word "hungry," you'd find that it's what you are when you haven't eaten in a long time and there is no food in your stomach. Which means that you're using the wrong word to explain why I see your back end hanging relentlessly out of the refrigerator or pantry. Every time I enter the kitchen, there's your rummaging rear; I'm beginning to recognize you better from the back than from the front.
You aren't starving. In fact, I feed you three (reasonably) decent meals daily, so there's no need to eat, like, eight or nine more on top of those. And I give you multivitamins, so you can't blame your incessant grazing on some kind of nutrient deficiency, only a deficiency in the ability to keep your grubby little mitts (seriously, what is that? Go wash your hands!) off our groceries.
Fun fact: refrigerators were invented to preserve food. That means keep it from spoiling. That means it can stay in there longer than half a day. That means you can, I don't know, leave it alone - for at least a few hours - after I bring it home from the grocery store. And, surprise! It'll still be there! Make it into a game, if that'll help. Let's call it the "Only Touch the Fridge Once Every Four Hours Challenge."
Kids, I understand that you need fuel for your rapid physical development so you can continue to outgrow your entire wardrobes faster than I can say, "Didn't I just buy you those pants?!" You need to replenish those preposterously huge energy stores so you have the strength to whine that there's "nothing to eat." But, hey! Maybe you could try getting some extra rest instead! I hear it's just as effective. And a whole lot cheaper.
Because, kids, someone (me) has to actually purchase the army-size quantities of food that you so greedily devour. I wasn't necessarily looking to hold down multiple jobs and take out a second mortgage and sell kidneys on the black market and drown in credit card debt just to fund your astonishing consumption of comestibles. Especially when the real reason behind it is boredom instead of hunger, which in itself is ridiculous, considering the 10 tons of books, toys, bikes, YouTube videos of other kids not being bored, fidget spinners, and other entertainment you have at your disposal . . . but that's a whole other rant altogether.
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