jeudi 27 juillet 2017

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The Most Important Parenting Lesson That's Helped My Marriage

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After hearing it said for the 1,000th time on the playground, it finally sank in. How my husband and I were interacting with each other was not beneficial for our family. During feedings, chores, and early mornings, we had created a cycle of forcing the other one to be there for the sake of commiserating. By not taking turns, we were not exhibiting behavior that we expect out of our son and his friends.

During the first year of my son's life, my husband and I attempted to do everything together. If a midnight feeding had to happen, both of us would somehow lumber out of bed and head to the nursery. One would handle the feeding, mostly me for the first six months since I'm the proud owner of the food generator known as breasts, while the other person would stand in solidarity. Essentially, we were idiots.

Although, maybe that's too strong of a word. We were new parents who wanted to find the right balance between loving our baby and keeping him alive, while at the same time trying to maintain a healthy marriage. Before our son, we would do most things together like exercising, eating, and socializing. Therefore, it was natural to think that the best way to keep a stable relationship would be to continue the same process.

And then sleepless nights came. If it wasn't the desire for food, it was comfort, or just to remind his parents that despite being older and smarter we were not the ones in control. The support parent would stand in the background, practically swaying from the delirium of interrupted sleep. I'm not sure what kind of help we thought this was supposed to provide, but all it did was make both of us cranky and disgustingly tired.

To add onto the pile of insults, we tacitly agreed that each person should get up at the same time, as a family. I'm sure this was meant to bring us together, but all it did was make us begrudge our son for waking up before we wanted, and it made us frustrated by the other one. We were snappy with one another, a trait usually only reserved by me for when I'm hungry. Suddenly we were both sleep-deprived gremlins.

Thankfully, the rules of the playground came into our house. With night-wakings firmly a thing of the past (knock on wood), the decision to take turns has allowed each of us the rest we need. We alternate every other day, and the sleeping parent is encouraged to not be worried about whether or not the other needs help. There is no additional help that is so necessary that sleep needs to be cut short.

Consequently, both of us have gone into the day more mindfully. My husband works from home, so instead of his commute time, he gets to sleep in and then focus on his work. I find that I have more patience to not just deal with a 2-year-old, but to actually embrace all of his eccentricities.

We've started taking turns in other areas of our lives, like cooking, bath time, and scheduling exercise. Of course, it's not a perfect solution and we both need to be flexible. With only one major income, some days I have to forfeit my sleeping-in time because he needs more sleep than I do, because I can take a nap in the middle of the day.

Obviously this is all easier said than done, especially if you have more than one kid. Both parents have to pull an equal amount of weight, not just with parenting but with everything in the house, and taking turns supports that. Alternating tasks looks different in every house, but armed with this playground mentality, hopefully everyone can feel as rested and supported as we do.



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