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mardi 27 juin 2017

A Realistic Beauty Tutorial for Moms

We may be moms, but beneath these snot-crusted yoga pants and stretched-out t-shirts, our vixenish premom selves are still smoldering. True, there's less time now to devote to our former rituals of beautification (remember when we could take uninterrupted baths?), but that doesn't mean we have to neglect ourselves entirely. In fact, it's more crucial than ever to make ourselves a priority, because when we feel good, we're far more effective at doing all the important things we do . . . like wiping butts and arguing with toddlers about why we can't put a banana back together after it's cut into pieces . . . well, whatever. The point is we deserve to look our best.

You'll find a lot of beauty tutorials out there, but there's one problem: most of them are done by chicks with (a) time and (b) expendable income ($50 foundation?!). Moms, unfortunately, don't typically have a lot of either. So I've put together a realistic, step-by-step guide for those of us who may have to improvise.

Step one: cleanse. Every gorgeous look should start with a squeaky-clean slate, so you'll want to remove old makeup and slough off dead skin cells with a nice exfoliating cleanser. Or just grab a baby wipe - those things are textured enough to exfoliate, right? I mean, if they'll clean off crusted poop . . . ? If all else fails, there's probably sugar sprinkled on your kitchen counter (damn kids!). Just scoop it up and use that as a scrub. You're cleaning up the counter and your face. Two birds with one stone!

Step two: moisturize. For a fresh, dewy complexion, moisturizing is a must. There are several options here: You can use that stuff you bought on clearance at the drugstore. You can squeeze out the very last nanoparticle of that expensive sample you picked up (because there's no way you're forking over that much money for the full-size product, but maybe this last little bit will take care of those crows' feet). Or you can rummage through your cupboards and find some sort of oil. Maybe that little bottle of sesame oil you bought for that one recipe, like, three years ago. You can probably put that on your face . . . look it up on Pinterest. Surely some fancy spa swears by it.

Step three: primer. The secret to a long-lasting makeup look is a quality primer. You know, that stuff you carried around the store for half an hour before deciding to buy something for the kids instead? Go ahead and skip the primer; nobody cares about it anyway. On to the next step.

Step four: foundation. A high-end foundation can give you an airbrushed look usually achieved only through Instagram and Snapchat filters. It can hide the wrinkles that keep popping up and cover the pimples you're still getting (WTF, skin?! We aren't 14 any more!). Oh, but moms don't have high-end foundation . . . we have the $11 drugstore stuff we bought last year (or the year before that). Hope nobody's gotten a tan since then. Apply it with a beauty blender . . . that egg-shaped foam thingy that you bought to keep up with the trends, even though you weren't sure exactly what it was except for a weirdly shaped sponge. Or with that foundation brush that you bought from your friend who was having that party and needed one more item to receive her free hostess gift. Or with your fingers, because they're fingers and they work just fine.

Step four: concealer. When you're going on years of crappy sleep, this is one step you can't afford to skip. Pat it gently with your ring finger so you don't pull that delicate skin and make more freaking wrinkles. UGH.

Step five: contour. Ha ha ha! Ain't nobody got time for that, because who knows what's going on beyond the bathroom door right now. What was that crashing sound?

Step six: eyeshadow. To achieve that smudgy, sultry, smoky look, you'll need a richly pigmented shadow in a dark color and an eyeshadow brush specifically made for blending. Or you can just neglect to wash off your makeup before bed because you're just too tired to care and wake up looking basically the same, with practically zero effort. Laziness + pillowcase = instant smudge!

Step seven: liner. You've got all sorts of options here: simple, classic, bold, mod, cat's eye. But let's be real about the more likely scenario: you'll do one eye, get interrupted multiple times by your children, and then try to do the other eye but get it so uneven that you start to resemble a panda. In the interest of time, perhaps you'd better just ditch the liner and move on.

Step eight: mascara. This quick, simple step gives you a nice polished look . . . unless your mascara is old and dried out because you haven't bought a new tube since, like, tax season. You can thin it out with a couple drops of contact solution (life hack!) or you could just buy yourself some more because old mascara is gross and you're worth a new one, damn it.

Step nine: lipstick. Oh wait, that's what your kids used in lieu of crayons to write all over . . . well, everything. There's probably some Chap Stick in your purse. Or mix a little bit of eyeshadow or blush with a dab of Vaseline and use that instead - pretend it's because you're some kind of creative makeup-mixing genius and not because you're seriously lacking in the lipstick department.

And - voila! - there you have it: a makeup tutorial befitting the average mom's actual lifestyle. It's not that we don't want to look glam at all times; it's just that it's harder to make it a priority when our housemates are tattling incessantly, pummeling a sibling, or loudly requesting a snack. When someone invents press-on makeup, we'll be all over it. But for now, we'll save the time-consuming makeup for special occasions . . . like our once-in-a-blue-moon date night. Maybe.

mardi 27 juin 2017