mardi 31 janvier 2017
The Surprisingly Simple Thing Great Parents Do Every Day
With both solicited and unsolicited advice seemingly surrounding you from the moment that you learn that you're pregnant, figuring out how to become a good parent can feel impossible. However, there's one thing that moms and dads can do daily that will not only impact their children now, but will also help shape the people they will become: always focus on both "the near and far."
According to clinical psychologist Erica Reischer, this vital strategy means balancing the short game and the long game of parenting. "The long game means raising kids that are really kind, happy, confident, good citizens and also having a really good relationship with your kids that's based on mutual trust and mutual respect," Erica told POPSUGAR Moms.
The short game is how you deal with immediate problems, and it's important for parents to remember in the moment that how they deal with these issues now actually has powerful impact on the future. Erica refers to this as the "Thanksgiving Effect," and describes it as when kids leave the house, parents want them to come home to visit not because they feel obligated to, but because they have great relationships and want to spend time with them.
According to Erica, there are a few things that parents do now without realizing that they can compromise the long game. "There are all these different ways in which we try to solve the short game, like just get through this moment, this day, this problem, and we're not thinking broadly about 'What's the long-term approach of doing this regularly?'" Erica said. "So I think that's one of the big things great parents do, is that they try to think about the long-term implications of the day to day, because little things add up."
Here's what parents should keep in mind daily in order to set themselves and their families up for future success:
Stop the Yelling
Day-to-day life with kids can be extremely hectic as parents are trying to help another person develop while also trying to get what needs to be accomplished for the day finished on time. Erica explains that while anger and frustration are very common experiences of parenting, resorting to yelling as a response will only solve the short game needs.
Yelling creates a "problematic communication dynamic" because in a sense, when you yell at your kids, you're doing it because they haven't been listening to you. That means you're unintentionally teaching them to wait until you yell before they can take you seriously. "When this happens, you're also showing your kids that you only really mean it when you're mean, so they're going to ignore you until you yell because otherwise you might drop it," Erica said. "That's compromising your long game because now you have this dynamic where it's a frequent thing where you're yelling at your kids a lot; then that doesn't feel good."
Resist Always Coming to the Rescue
When kids forget their homework, leave their lunch, or have an upsetting interaction with a teacher or friend, parents often want to jump in and solve it for them. Although this might solve things now, it can also be problematic in the future. "In the short game, we're solving the problem and that feels good to us and to them, but in the long game, what are the long-term implications of not letting them experience that situation, experience the feelings of disappointment, sadness, anxiety that comes with it," Erica explained. "They need to learn how to cope with those feelings, and kind of muddle through and figure out ways to deal with that with our coaching."
Erica notes that this is different than just leaving them to their own devices, but that parents should be conscious of taking a backseat approach when possible.
Meet Feelings With Feelings
Having empathy is something that great parents do, and Erica defines it as not trying to talk kids out of their feelings when they are really upset about something. Many parents don't realize that they are doing this daily because their little ones often have big feelings about things that Mom and Dad don't have the same emotions about.
"When they drop their ice cream cone, for example, and they're flipped out about it, some try to help the situation by saying, 'Honey, it's OK, it's just an ice cream cone, don't cry,'" Erica said. "We mean well when we say that and we're trying to help them see that it's not a big deal. But for many kids, when we say that to them, it can make them feel misunderstood, that we don't respect their reality, which is different than our reality."
Even if issues are minor in your realm, you should try to meet your child's problems with empathy instead of always rationalizing them away. "So with the ice cream cone, instead of saying 'Oh honey, you know it's no big deal, it's OK,' you would say instead, 'I know you're so upset because the ice cream dropped and you really were looking forward to eating that,'" Erica said. "It's empathizing with them and this is a really subtle shift that can make a big change in any relationship."
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