mardi 10 juillet 2018
I Gave Blowjobs For 2 Weeks to See If It Would Tighten My Jawline, and . . .
Image Source: Getty
According to Nicky, the hottest girl at the Metropolis of Boston Greek Orthodox Summer Camp during July 2008, blowjobs aren't just a form of foreplay. "Going down on boys is great for your jawline," the apparent expert told me in our cabin one fateful night. At the time, I was a dateless wonder who had braces and an obsession with ferrets (only my dental health has changed since then). Needless to say, I had no business giving blowjobs, but I determinedly filed that nugget of information into the Rolodex of my mind. Someday, I would be cool and test out Nicky's claim for myself.
I am through asking what I can do for my blowjobs. It's time to ask: what can my blowjobs do for me?
In an unsurprising turn of events, 10 years later I am still not cool. That said, I do give a lot of blowjobs. In fact, somewhere along the way, I became pretty talented at the act. I'm sure the development of such finesse had something to do with Nicky's theory. Or, maybe it's because I grew up in a beach town, where I spent many a Summer night stuffing corndogs into my mouth. (My record is seven.) However it happened, I am through asking what I can do for my blowjobs. It's time to ask: what can my blowjobs do for me? I decided to test the very pressing question of whether going down on someone - like, every day - can lead to a jowl-less profile.
Though I have Nicky on my team, one NYC dentist wasn't so encouraging. Dr. Ramin Tabib, cofounder of NYC Smile Design, gamely answered my cringe-worthy email inquiry about boppin' the knob. "The sucking mechanism strengthens facial muscles such as the orbicularis oris (OA)," he wrote. "If you want jawline development, you need muscle activity that affects a different area called the masseter muscles." In fact, Dr. Tabib went on to say that my d*ck-sucking mission might be harmful: "Development of the OA would not give a strong facial jawline, but perhaps puts pressure on the front teeth. If this muscle gets over-developed, it may cause a tipping inwards of the front teeth." In other words, yikestown. But I, a brave little fellating toaster, was not to be deterred.
First, I set a time limit. I'd give my extremely lucky boo thang a blowjob every day for two weeks, after which I'd take stock of the results. I've never had major problems with my jawline, but I know age-induced saggy necks run in my family. The minute I notice even the slightest hint of a jowl, I'm booking the f*ck out of a neck lift. Unless, of course, blowjobs could save me from a surgeon's needle.
For the past fortnight, my sex life has gone a little something like this: I go down on my boyfriend with such intensity that lockjaw invariably follows, my life flashes before me, and I imagine headlines that describe my demise as, "Death by Blowjob." For this reason, I really wouldn't recommend anyone try cardio fellatio at home, or anywhere else for that matter.
However, my efforts were validated by my best friend as she offered her opinion on what photos from an event I should post on Instagram. "Definitely this one," she said, pointing to the below image of me in profile. "Your jawline is just perfection." Yes, she said those exact five words. No, I did not pay her to help me write this story. If that's proof enough for you, then I'll call it: cancel your Equinox membership! Playing the skin flute counts as exercise.
Behold, my glorious jawline.Image Source: POPSUGAR Photography / Alaina Demopoulos
This morning, I woke up and took the below image that shows the results of my sexperiment. It is unedited (hello, dark roots), has no filter, and I promise I did as little neck straining as possible to trickily make things look tighter. While my jawline doesn't really look all that different, it doesn't appear to be worse, either. So, I guess the results to my very clinical, official testing can be described in one emoji: shrug. Other than the deep-rooted trust I have in my Summer camp bunkmate's opinion, I've got no hard evidence that blowjobs tighten jawlines. Until then, the only motivation you should have for going down on another human is because you just damn want to.
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